In Vitro Fertility Goddess

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The Pain of Socializing

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When you're trying unsuccessfully to conceive, going to gatherings of friends, families, parties, etc that you would once have enjoyed can be the equivalent of having you teeth pulled, one by one. Without anaesthetic.

During the time I was trying and failing to have a baby, I would gladly have a) waxed my own back b) watched a wall of paint dry or c) had all my moles burnt off with a Bunsen burner if offered the choice between that or attending a party where there would be pregnant women and people with kids. If I knew them it was worse as I wouldn't be able to avoid talking to them.

I knew it was isolating, not good for me or my future social life but it was better than turning up somewhere only to feel a knife go into your gut and be twisted and wrenched throughout the evening.

It's not as if you can gaily pretend the pregnant women/parents with young children are not there. And gone were the days when you could at least have gained satisfaction from the pregnant woman looking like the offspring of a Darrell Lea lady and a circus clown. These days the stomach is emphasised in tight slinky sexy fabric so there's no way you can ignore it, it practically says hello. It's almost as if has its own personality which is sometimes more than can be said for the owner. And it acts as a glaring beacon of what you don't have but desperately want.

The other problem is that pregnancy and children are no-brainer conversation topics like the weather and food so everyone ends up talking about them. When at a loss for something to say ask a pregnant woman about herself and you'll be occupied for ages. The same with a parent when asked about their child. If the child is gifted or there are more than one you'll be there for weeks.

Eventually should you be trapped in this group you'll find yourself at some point between Harlow's Baby Genius class and Montenegro's nightly kicking fest- and it's inevitable - asked about your plans for parenthood or if you have any kids.

What do you do? Flee in tears? Lie and say you don't like children unless poached with Hollandaise sauce? Or bravely announce that you have Joshua, Emily and Chloe but they're still at the clinic at this stage.

Hospital? Oh no, the IVF clinic. See they're only four cells and in a petri dish in a lab at the moment.

Got their room ready? No, no, I'm still getting the womb ready actually. One thing at a time..

How? With the help of progesterone…No, not a Greek designer - a pharmaceutical drug with unpleasant side-effects.

Hopes for their future? Oh, not much really at this stage, they've been dashed so many times. Just that at least one of them is eight cells by Monday.

And pretty much like most reproduction conversations between the fertile and the infertile it ends there. That's if it didn't end earlier with an upturned drink on a head. Because it's like putting two species from different planets and putting them together and expecting them to find commonality.

So, how to keep some connection going, to not fall off the social cliff into the isolation abyss? How do you get those around you who are not fertility challenged to get where you're coming from? To say it's OK if you don't feel like coming to the birthday party, baby shower or christening?

This is where the non-fertility challenged can help. Especially those who think Clomid is a brand of washing powder and Oestrogen a Freudian complex.

I have compiled a list of some points that were posted on this website by one of the wonderful members. I believe that they may be useful for friends, family and loved ones of those struggling with infertility. Because when we're going through it we don't necessarily find it easy to say these things. Some days it's hard enough just to get out of bed.

- Please don't tell me you know how I feel unless you have also had fertility problems

- Please don't tell me that it's all meant to be.

- Please don't tell me it'll be fine unless you have God on speed-dial. And if you do I want his number now.

- Please see that everything is not business as usual in my life, household and heart.

- Please permit me a clear calender and excuse my lack of involvement in other activities, as my days are at times filled with tests, results, endless appointments, phone calls, decisions, physical discomfort and fatigue.

- Please treat me with kid gloves, as I am hanging on by a thin emotional thread.

- Please give me permission to do what I need to do, be it laugh, cry, sit around, or be really, really active in something.

- Please excuse my lack of interest in everything else.

- Please don't ask me if I am pregnant. If and when that occurs, I will sing from the highest rooftop.

A few extras for those going through IVF :

- Please offer to come with me to an appointment or even drive me there

- Please help me around my house by washing a few dishes, vacuuming a room, or taking my dog for a walk. Remember my husband is overwhelmed and in need of support as well!

- Please let me know if you are supporting me even if a cylce fails. That is my biggest fear and the hardest thing to talk about.

- Please remind me that I am strong enough to endure this, as I am sure to forget along the way.

Jodi Panayotov