In Vitro Fertility Goddess

Tips for Dealing with Smug Pregnants

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1. Buy and carry an extremely cute puppy. As there are more dog lovers than kid lovers in the world you will instantly attract attention away from smug pregnants and their cute toddlers.

2. Introduce the dog in a gushing cutesy voice as ‘my/our baby' which will stop people asking the whereabouts or existence of a real baby. Nobody ever said to Paris Hilton, "Nice dog but when are you having a baby?" 

3. Consider having a T-shirt boldly emblazoned with the name of your fertility clinic, e.g., Monash IVF and wear it. That way people will instantly know where you're at without asking or else they will ask about what it means and you can tell them. Either way you will be educating a group of ignoramuses and that can't be a bad thing. Also guaranteed to give instant immunity to birth/baby story viruses.

5. If there is somebody who is particularly insensitive and rude, and goes on and on about their children and their pregnancy, organize to have a morning tea with people you meet at the IVF clinic. Invite the insensitive person and have them sit there while you all endlessly discuss injections, egg extraction etc. Exaggerate if you wish. Lord knows the fertile do.

6. If someone says, "So when are you starting a family?" simply reply, "Good question. I have no idea but let me consult my herbalist, fertility counsellor, gynaecologist, clinic nurse and God.  If any of they can enlighten me, I'll get back to you."

7. In response to the oft and thoughtlessly repeated phrase, "Having children makes you less selfish," do not choke on your hors d'oeuvre or spit out your drink, as much self-restraint as this will require. Calmly point out that you find this puzzling because you always see evidence to the contrary. When asked what you mean, roll your eyes, laugh and say, "Where do I start?" before launching into how this morning alone you have been run over by two wide-bodied prams without apology, viciously cut off by an oversized vehicle driven my a ‘selfless' mother and at lunch your table and others at the café became a de facto playground courtesy of a nearby group of mothers who were busy enjoying their lattes in a selfless manner.

Jodi Panayotov